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I do not know what weapons World War will be fought with, but World War IV can be fought with sticks or stones.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pens, phone, patience, and even my sanity.
Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. — Adam Gropman
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. And I go normal from time to time. ~Anonymous
Sarcasm Quotes
You know what I like about people? Their dogs
Ok look, man,arly are not hard up for money, you’re driving a Range Rover, so call whoever has your Jaguar or Benz and ask them to help you out. I got things to do.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? -James Thurber
Do you know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.
I’m a bit sassy with some sarcasm, but I’m also stoic at times – and brash.
They say, “Good things take time.” That’s why I’m always late.
My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished. — Leslie Nielsen
Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works. ~ Anonymous
Reminds me of the kid who asked: Dad can I pet that dog? You have to ask his owner! But I don’t want to talk to people! I only like dogs
I told him that we already got married in secret and that you got my name tattooed on your ass instead of a wedding ring.
I believe in rules. Sure, I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them? -Leo Durocher
I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
I’m not good at giving advice… Can you make a sarcastic comment?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.
No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early. — Groucho Marx
They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. ~ Clint Eastwood
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. – Fred Allen
Yes.” He laughed. “Derek Numeric. He’ll sell you the Mona Lisa buy-2-get-1-free.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -Anthony Burgess
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupidly though you already knew.
If I had a dollar for every clever thing you said. I’ll be poor.
When two people always think the same thing, one of them is unnecessary.
Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day and everyone still would be proud of them.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. — Robert Frost
Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever. ~ Anonymous
An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.
It is said that God loved His people so much that He went into a tremendous rage out of jealousy if they cheated with other Gods. So, who am I not to feel just a little bit of jealousy over my partner?
You can always tell when a man is well-informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
I cannot afford not to spend my time making money.
I love sarcasm. It’s like hitting people in the face but with words.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. — Bill Gates
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? ~ Anonymous
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three-day-old road kill and poo… -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. -Groucho Marx
Always give 100%, except when you’re giving blood.
He that lies down with dogs shall r up with fleas.
True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. — Les Dawson
In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry’. ~ Margaret Laurence
Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
Don’t waste yer’ breath kid. Explainin’ anything to that one? It’s like tryin’ ta’ slap the dumb off a retard… -George Foster
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. -Lily Tomlin
People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.
Listen, smile, accept, and then do what you thought you would do anyway.
And the light at the end of the tunnel was just an oncoming train.
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one. — Clarence Darrow
Lead me not into temptation. I know the way. ~ Anonymous
I was debating on jumping and ending my despair over losing my best friend, but I decided to call you instead.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
There’s a way of transferring what is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. -James Holt McGavran
History teaches us that men, nations, and the world behave wisely when they exhaust all other options.
I’m not really that funny. I’m just very mean and people think I’m joking.
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. — Oscar Wilde
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life. ~ Anonymous
Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.
Will you accept me?” Fury No. I’m here naked with you because all my clothes fell off by accident and I can’t find them.” Angelia
You’re a sarcastic little critter, aren’t you?” FuryI learned it from you.
Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson
Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
A man in a relationship is not complete until he gets married.” Then he’s finished.– Zsa Zsa Botor.
A great deal of pleasure lies in denying it to others.
Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.
Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.
Silence is golden. The duct tape is silver. ~ Anonymous
My girlfriend is always stealing my T-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “We need to talk
Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. -Albert Einstein
Most people miss the opportunity because they dress in overalls and pretend to work.– Thomas Eddison.
That’s the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, and yet your face matches it.
You’d be in good shape if you ran as much as your mouth.
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either. — James Johnson
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. ~ Sam Levenson
If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, A few feet of cold earth, when life is done; A stone at the head, a stone at the feet,
A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; Rank grass overhead, and damp clay around, Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground!
If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. -Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Plot Twist” is the best way to move forward when something goes wrong in life.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile. And then walk into a pole.
I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
Every Friday, I like to high-five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, willpower, and inappropriate humor. —Nanea Hoffman
Find your patience before I lose mine. ~ Anonymous
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails and then asks you not to kill him. – Sir Winston Churchill
Are you fighting evil tonight?… Then you are doing the Lord’s work. Shut the fuck up.― James R. Tuck
I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -Groucho Marx
Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.
I don’t have the energy today to act like I like you.
Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain
Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested. ~ Anonymous
Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
Or, I could just sit in the bushes and pump the hand pump until the plumbing was super pressurized to 110 psi. This way, when someone goes to flush a toilet, the toilet tank will explode. At 150 psi, if someone turns on the shower, the water pressure will blow off the showerhead, strip the threads, and blam, and the shower head turns into a mortar shell. Tyler only says this to make me feel better. The truth is I like my boss. Besides, I’m enlightened now. You know, only Buddha-style behavior.
If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. -Steven Wright
Spend your entire life doing weird things with weird people.
My imaginary friends say you need therapy.
Sure I’ll help you out. The same way you came in.
Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees, and then kindness. — Nanea Hoffman
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. ~ Anonymous
It should be. It’s been in there for years.” Nix winked at Will. “I hope you’ll forgive my wife. She’s a bit antisocial. And the water’s a bit wet.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. -Henny Youngman
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
I was conscious of a lot of my friends being into things that I wasn’t into. Sarcasm, for example. It was not a part of my family. They still don’t use it.
Zombies eat brains. You don’t need to worry about that.
Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.
Trying is the first step toward failure. — Homer Simpson
In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are at least two-thirds incontinent. ~ Robert Brault
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. – Albert Einstein
I appreciate thieves who do their research, but at least you recognize their worth when you see it.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. -Joey Adams
What we feel, think, and are determined in large part by our viscera and ductless glands.
Why are you rolling your eyes? Are you looking for your brain?
Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. — Winnie the Pooh
Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist—while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of wine, I drank it! Sincerely, the opportunist!
There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age. ~ Benjamin Spock
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert
..Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, and she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. — Ashleigh Brilliant
My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
The problem with being open-minded is that people will insist on trying to put things in their place.
I apologize if it seems like I care. I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.
I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
Be the person that when your feet touch the floor in the morning the devil says, “Awe sh*t, they’re up. — Dwayne Johnson
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to their face. ~ Anonymous
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
Nobody should have to die to a crappy soundtrack
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? — Robin Williams
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
Let’s share, you’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.
No, I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.
We don’t need CCTV cameras in our country. Neighbors and relatives are enough.
My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time. — Maria Bamford
When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. ~ Anonymous
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau
Too young, too young, she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather but according to my driver’s license, she was right.
I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.
If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.
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