Are you looking for funny golf quotes? Laugh out loud with our best collection of funny golf quotes.
These quotes are the humor that accompanies the world of golf. Funny one-liners get into the lighter side of this sport through these quotes.
Perfect for golf enthusiasts and anyone in need of a good laugh on the fairway.
The more I practice the luckier I get. – Arnold Palmer
I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser. — Arnold
Caddies are a breed of their own. If you shoot 66, they say Man we shot 66 today. But go out and shoot 77 and they say Hell, he shot 77. – Lee Trevino (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
They call it golf because the other four-letter words were taken. – Ray Floyd, PGA Hall of Fame
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.-John Updike
Funny Golf Quotes
I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. ― Henry Beard
You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. ‒ Lee Trevino.
Winning isn’t everything, but wanting it is. – Arnold Palmer
It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. — Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote.
Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either. – Lee Trevino
Hell, I’m going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list. – Lee Trevino
If you get caught on the course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, then hold up your one-iron; even god cannot hit a one-iron. – Lee Trevino
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
The most important shot in golf is the next one. ‒ Ben Hogan.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. ― Lee Trevino
The road to success is always under construction. – Arnold Palmer
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. — Raymond Floyd
Make friends with your caddy and the game will make friends with you. – Stephen Potter, Golf Writer
We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. – Lee Trevino
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. ‒ Gerald Ford.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ― Jack Benny
I have a tip that will take five strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser. – Arnold Palmer
Hockey is a sport for white men. Baseball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. – Tiger Woods
On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field. – Roger Maltbie, PGA Tour & TV Commentator
Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well. – Craig Stadler, PGA Tour, 1982 Masters Champion
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman
As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. ‒ Ben Hogan.
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. ― Sam Snead
Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. – Arnold Palmer
Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger. – Arnold Palmer
The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I could just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything would be perfect. – Doug Sanders, PGA Tour
I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
Rogers Hornsby
But in the end, it’s still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day, you can’t shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you’ve missed the point. ‒ Payne Stewart.
Golf is not a great sport. If you can smoke and drink while you’re doin’ it, it’s not a sport. ― Michael Connelly
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even put. — Dean Martin, need we say more?
I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy. – Tommy Bolt, US Open Champion 1958
If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson, 2-time British Amateur Champion
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
Chi Chi Rodriguez
Placing the ball in the right position for the next shot is eighty percent of winning golf. – Ben Hogan
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ― Ernest Hemingway
The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie. — Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf.
After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame
Mistakes are part of the game. It’s how well you recover from them, that’s the mark of a great player. – Alice Cooper
I play golf with my friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games. – Ben Hogan
Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. — Paul Harvey calling every golfer out.
A recent survey said that a caddy lives the longest of all jobs. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there ever is a medical emergency, there is always a doctor nearby. – Unknown
S*x and golf are the only two things you can enjoy if you’re not good at either. – Kevin Costner, Actor
Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well. ‒ P.G. Wodehouse.
A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks. – Gary Player
I am past writing angst songs for kids. My angst is when I can’t get my Porsche roof up and when I can’t get my golf handicap down. ― Alice Cooper
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled.
I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares! – Jack Lemmon, Actor & Comedian
Golf is a game whose aim is to get a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. – Winston Churchill, UK Politician & Author
My most consistent and reliable shot is always the double at the 19th.
– Hamilton
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does ― Bertrand Russell
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play. – Gary Player
Golf?! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understand the game, at times, doesn’t make much sense.
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a bunker. For that, I have a caddy. – Bob Hope, Actor & Comedian
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. – Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, UK Politician
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight – Ben Hogan
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ― Dave Berry
The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf. – St. Andrews Rotary Club Member
If your caddy coaches you on the tee, ‘Hit it down the left side with a little draw,‘ ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddy. – Jim Murray, American Sportswriter
A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world. ‒ Harry Vardon, ‘Progressive Golf’.
The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself. ― P. G. Wodehouse
Nobody asked how you looked, just what you shot. – Sam Snead
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian waxing prophetic.
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose. – Gerald Ford, US President
I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it. – Ewan McGregor
Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have. ‒ Harvey Penick.
I’m getting better at golf now because I’m hitting fewer spectators. – Gerald Ford
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. – Sam Snead
I’m the best. I just haven’t played yet. — Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this?
Work is for people who don’t know how to play golf.
The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, and disbelief – call it what you will – than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counter attractions of cinema, motor bicycle, and golf courses. ‒ A. A. Milne, ‘Year In, Year Out’.
Golf has some drawbacks. It’s possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind. ― Sir W.G. Simpson
Happiness is a long walk with a putter. – Greg Norman
Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. — Bruce Crampton making us think more than we’d like to.
I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead. – Bob Hope
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. – Jim Murray
A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. ― Ben Hogan
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