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Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?
If you’ve never met the devil on the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
Sarcastic Quotes
I am not young enough to know everything. – Oscar Wilde
My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not.~ Anonymous
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Death’s Got an Invisibility Cloak? Harry interrupted again.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~ Winston ChurchillI’m not saying I hate
You, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
So he can sneak up on people, said Ron. Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. – Robert Oppenheimer
People kept saying ‘Go Corona Go’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I don’t believe in plastic surgery but in your case, go ahead.
It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234’.
That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. — Sir Winston Churchill
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. ~ Steven Wright
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Marriage is given and taken. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.— Joey Adams
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~ A. A. Milne
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus. – Robin Williams, Actor
Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
Money doesn’t make you happy. I have 50 million dollars now but I was just as happy when I only had 48 million.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Malachi scowled. I don’t remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane.
The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. — Erma Bombeck
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright
If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
Magnus looked concerned. That’s terrible. Someone should have told you.
Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.– A. A. Milne
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
Don’t stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?
People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard
People are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a cell phone. ~ Invajy
I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.
Of course, there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar.
Life’s good, you should get one.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.
What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?
Silence is golden. The duct tape is silver.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns
Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.
Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.
Why were you lurking under our window?
I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.-John Wayne
I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?
I clapped because it was finished, not because I liked it.
The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.
Yes – yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.
Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.
Well, that escalated quickly – our family motto.
Listening to the news, said Harry in a resigned voice.
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. -Samuel Butler
The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking at our worst.~ Marge Kennedy
I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure out where the hell you got the idea I cared.
Find your patience before I lose mine.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by f*cking mail.
I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. -Groucho Marx
I am not young enough to know everything. ~ Oscar Wilde
No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? Does the romance cover?
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything is nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -Margaret Mead
Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.~ Emo Philips
Funniest Quote
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to their face.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
Alec looked at her and shook his head.
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
All generalizations are false, including this one.-Mark Twain
Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%.
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
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